How to Survive a Homicidal Maniac
(and thrive in your everyday life)
If I thought like a homicidal maniac, then I'd know how a homicidal maniac thinks.
It’s Spooky Szn. “There are certain rules that you must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie.” Coincidentally, these rules also help you thrive in your everyday life.
Don’t you know the rules?
[note: rules are in no specific order]
Cardio
Whether it’s Leatherface or a zombie apocalypse, you must be able to run from the killer(s)! Run fast. Run far. Don’t look back.
Walk, hike, sprint, swim, bike, jump rope, play a sport… do whatever you enjoy and do it consistently (at least a few times a week). You’ll feel way better and increase your chances of surviving a massacre.
Sleep
Prioritize sleep— even if Freddy Krueger is trying to murder you in your dreams.
Sleep deprivation is linked to an increased chance of obesity, diabetes, heart disease, depression, and a slew of other health problems. The National Sleep Foundation defines quality sleep as sleeping 7-8 hours and…
- Sleeping at least 85 percent of the total time you’re in bed
- Falling asleep in less than 30 minutes
- Waking up no more than once per night
- Being awake for 20 minutes or less after falling asleep
Don’t let poor sleep kill you! (or a homicidal maniac)
Nutrition
If you’re consistently making deposits into your Health Savings Account, overdosing on Halloween candy won’t destroy your progress. You have your savings account so you can make withdrawals.
Just be sure to check your candy for razor blades or other contraband!
Be safe out there.
Strength Train/Lift/Get Jacked
“Michael [Myers] possesses superhuman strength to the point where he could lift people off the ground, crush people's heads, smash through walls, and he is also capable of driving his thumb into craniums.” (via Fandom)
Being jacked won’t matter if Michael gets his hands on you (you will die). Regardless, you should be lifting! 2-4 sessions per week depending on your preference and schedule (I prefer 3 these days).
Live by the Sun
People way smarter than me (Dr. Huberman, Dr. Frankenstein, whoever really…) discuss the importance of sunlight:
“Viewing sunlight within the first hours of waking (as soon as you can, even if through cloud cover) prepares the body for sleep later that night. Morning sunlight will also positively influence your immune system, metabolism and ability to focus during the day.
Morning sunlight helps regulate your “circadian clock” — the body’s mechanism for anticipating when to wake up and go to sleep — and it manages other biological processes like hunger and body temperature.
On a sunny morning, get outside for 5-10 minutes. You can do more if you have time, and feel free to use the time outside to exercise, walk, eat a light breakfast or journal in the sunlight.”
— Dr. Huberman
If you’re interested in learning more:
Plus, you’re less likely to be killed during the day as killers tend to skulk around during the witching hour.
Manage Stress…
“Relax?! There’s a killer on the loose!”
Stress is the ultimate killer.
Slow down (unless you’re being chased by Chucky), be present, do things with intention, focus on quality over quantity, laugh, connect with nature… all the clichés.
Breathe deeply (just not too loudly… or else!)
Be Social
There’s safety in numbers, my dear.
If you want to stay alive, don’t go off on your own. If you want a nice little body, surround yourself with people who share similar values.
Additionally, social isolation is bad for your health. Engage with your community and focus on quality relationships with people you genuinely care about. People you’d jump in front of a knife for.
Mindset
You must believe!
Believe that you are the final girl. Believe that you can and will be healthy & fit.
Get your mind right. Your body will follow.
Feel Great
“For instance, number one: you can never have sex. BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs. The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one.”
I’m certainly not gonna preach no sex, drinking, or drugs. So, if you partake, be smart and be safe. Besides, virgins were eligible to die by Scream 4 (per the rules).
Rock a Nice Little Bod
A nice little bod is a byproduct of doing all the above consistently!
Enjoy Life
"Anyone, including the main character, can die. This means you, Sid."
Remember your mortality.
Are you—yes, you—making the most of your life?
Nice Little Body of the Week
Patrick Swayze (Ghost)
Eargasms of the Week
Thank you for reading.
feel great. rock a nice little bod. enjoy life.
steve
P.S. I’ll be right back…